Saturday, March 28, 2020

Tiger King: Toxic Masculinity and Trafficking in the USA

     A lot of animal rights people are discussing the ethics of watching the new Netflix documentary series, The Tiger King: Murder, Mayhem, and Madness.  I watched it four nights ago and at the end I cried.  Animal abuse and mistreatment makes me lose my composure every time.  I think this documentary series brings to light deeply ingrained social systems of interaction that contribute to a problem that is going on right now on a global scale: trafficking.
     We are currently experiencing a devastating pandemic because of a spillover event that took place in a Wuhan Seafood Market.  The animals being sold in this market were trafficked, stolen from nature by traffickers and sold in a market for profit to the highest bidder.  I think it's important to watch this documentary to understand power dynamics that exist in trafficking, so we can examine contributing factors, and correct these abusive and exploitative power dynamics at all levels of society.  We can't collectively solve a problem that we refuse to acknowledge exists.
     It is not ethical to pull the wool over our eyes now that trafficking has unleashed COVID-19 and devastated our communities.  It's important to examine trafficking so we can know what it is, how the unhealthy relationship dynamic plays out, and ultimately so we can opt out of that toxic relationship.  Capitalism and the patriarchy has created two classes: exploiter and the exploited and we call this relationship trafficking.   
     I spent the last three months volunteering with an agency in King County that helps victims of human trafficking.  I have attended multiple workshops and learned a great deal about how human trafficking goes down in my local community.  Victims of human trafficking are seeking connection, and trying to get their basic needs met for shelter, and food.  The trafficker sees the victim with a need and exploits them for profit.  The trafficker does not care if the victim is human or animal.
     I have heard this fact over and over: there is more human slavery in existence today than there was in chattel slavery.  One could argue that there is more animal cruelty and exploitation now than any other time in human history.  Before we can liberate animals and people from the chains of exploitation we have got to acknowledge that these chains exist in the first place, and that is uncomfortable but necessary in order for us to transcend these toxic dynamics.
    In the documentary Joe Exotic is a gay man who went through the unfortunate experience of being rejected by his parents for being gay.  He found solace in the company of illegally trafficked wild animals.  The positive emotions gave Joe Exotic a buzz, much like the effects of a drug.  And like any addiction in a vulnerable person with bad mental health, chaos and ultimately tragedy followed suit.
     The documentary features big cat kingpins who exploit animals along with people they form romantic attachments with.  When I was reflecting on the trafficker in South Carolina with the multiple wives, the exact same relationship dynamic exists in human trafficking.  Joe Exotic's relationship with his late husband was one of control and domination.  Joe Exotic controlled his husband with drugs and forbade him from having a life outside of the zoo, this is the kind of dynamic that exists in domestic violence and also human trafficking.  Animals and people both suffer from exploitation by capitalist traffickers and that is tragic.
     The Tiger King is a great example of what has gone so completely batshit crazy wrong in Western Civilization.  The mythologist Joseph Campbell discussed how Western Civilization's origin myth in the bible started us on a path that was deeply wrong and against nature.  "Man is superior to the beasts and nature is fallen.  With the fall in the garden of Eden, nature is corrupt.  So we do not give ourselves to nature. We will correct nature.  There is good and evil in nature and we are supposed to be on the side of the good so there is a tension: You don't yield to nature" (Joseph Campbell, 2005, Sukhavati [film]).  Joe Exotic decided to profit from these wild animals by trafficking them, and his modern-day actions of animal and human exploitation are manifestations of a deeply held societal belief that has permeated our culture for thousands of years.
     This deeply held belief has thrived in our culture because it has long gone unexamined.  In that same myth, the female, Eve gives Adam the apple and convinces him to take a bite.  The female of our species is a temptress leading to devastation and ruin from here on out.  Women are the source of original sin and unredeemable.  The patriarchy as we know it today started with this origin myth.  There are other examples of Western mythology where the female is the source of all the pain in the universe, notably the myth of Pandora opening the box of sorrows unleashing suffering upon the entire world.
     These myths are deeply held in our collective unconscious even though we no longer notice them.  I've noticed a trend in our society: What is okay for men, would never be acceptable in females.  Our culture's devastating ability to shunt our collective negative feelings into the mock, shame and blame of females is remarkable.  Joe Exotic, likely channeling his anger of being rejected by his mother after he came out as a gay male, finds his enemy, his foil an outlet for his boiling rage in a female by the name of Carole Baskin.
     Joe Exotic is not an outlier, he is a product of our society.  His darkness is our darkness.  It's also a helpful window through we can examine how our society's collective unconscious has manifested into unhealthy negative relationships with ourselves, between the sexes, and with mother nature.  Because in the end he is just a capitalist trafficker.  But let's zoom out and take a look at the big picture.  We are all individual human manifestations of capitalism, the patriarchy.
    I think it's helpful to watch this documentary and really reflect on what we have been doing as a society.  Are Joe Exotic's actions outrageous and exploitative?  Yes!  Is Joe Exotic a murderer of animals, and attempted murderer of a woman?  Yes!  I don't think watching this documentary equates to 'giving animal abusers money and attention.'  This documentary showcases how our entire society is sick, on a micro level with Joe Exotic as an individual, but the same sickness permeates every level of society and it goes all the way to the top.
     Are large multi-national corporations exploiting people, animals and the environment for profit?  Yes!  Do corporations use the image of females to sell product, while our politicians shame women while passing all the laws to exact control over women's bodies essentially exacting revenge upon females for a thousands-year old myth that is stuck like used chewing gum to our unexamined social programming?  Yes!
   One cannot condemn and judge Joe Exotic without condemning Western civilization for trafficking the resources of the environment, animals, and people without socially conferred privilege (Johnson, 2006, p. 39) .  We think Joe is crazy?  The fact that we let corporations take advantage of the environment, animals, and people -all without paying their fair share of taxes is crazy.
     The vegans have it wrong - watching this documentary does not mean you are supporting animal abuse.  We can bring a lot of good out of this documentary by watching it and taking collective action to stop trafficking and abuse on the macro level, by corporations and the United States government.  It is unconscionable that we have allowed corporations to have so much power and control.  It is unconscionable that we have elected officials that give trillions of dollars to banks and the stock market but refuse to help American citizens by providing Medicare for All.
     We have allowed corporations to take over our government.  Our government no longer works for us, but for the profits of corporations.  We must take collective action and fight this with everything we got.  Our labor does not have to be trafficked for the profits of corporations.  Corporations are the  ultimate traffickers: Demonic entities who do not age, who do not pay taxes and who do not breathe, the purpose of their existence is to secure a profit.  The criminal, abusive and exploitative tendencies of Joe Exotic pale in comparison to the evils perpetrated by corporations.
    A more helpful tactic than arguing against watching the Tiger King is by channeling our outrage about large-scale misogyny and exploitation into taking collective action against corporations.  What about that child who had COVID-19 that was denied care because he had no health insurance and died en route to a public hospital?  That child died because of the greed of the health care corporations.  Why do we allow health insurance corporations to continue existing when they have shown, over and over that they value profits over people's lives?   They bribed the Obama administration with lots and lots of money.  They continue to bribe our congressional representatives. Why are we as a society continuing to elect officials that demonstrate to us that the profits of corporations are more important than our lives?
     The government of the United States does not get it's tax money from corporations but from us, our wages.  The banks in this country are exceptionally parasitic on the labor of the working class.  Banks that require trillions of dollars from the government because of their greed should not be allowed to continue existing.
     There is a concept in recovery and in mental health called 'natural consequences.'  People who have addiction issues and bad mental health issues must experience 'natural consequences' for their behavior, in some cases causing them to hit rock bottom and inspiring positive change.  We have allowed our government to develop this sick, and extremely codependent relationship with these giant corporations.  We have elected officials who enable corporations to traffick our labor and our environment for profit
     This is a sick relationship and the evil will continue unless there is a collective effort to overturn the massively destructive Supreme Court decision in Citizens United.  You can join the movement and learn more on this website!  This is a good place to start.  The corporations will never stop being greedy unless they experience natural consequences.  Currently our government is enabling corporation's addiction to more and more profits.  This is unsustainable.
     We can elect leaders that make choices to help people in our society by implementing Medicare for All.  We can choose to vote for leaders who have the authentic desire to help all citizens, not just the rich.  We can start questioning our social programming most of which is unconscious and be more mindful in our response.  We don't have to shame and blame females and continue to subconsciously hold them accountable for all the problems in the world, the Me Too movement has been a helpful starting point.  We can and should start holding males in power accountable for their actions.
     We cannot allow our government to continue in it's current state.   The president of the USA should be arrested for human trafficking of the entire working class of the USA.  Joe Exotic's exploitative relationship with animals is a reflection of what the top leaders in our society are doing to us.  But they don't have to.  As people of moral conscience and with goodness in our hearts we can change this for the better.
     The documentary was satisfying at the end when Joe Exotic goes to prison for multiple criminal convictions.  The person who put tigers in cages is himself imprisoned.  Karma is real. We can do this with the inept, incompetent leaders in our government too.


References
Johnson, A. G. (2006). Privilege, power and difference. New York, NY: McGraw-Hill

Wednesday, March 25, 2020

Update from my Quarantine Bunker

     For the past two weeks, I have been very sick with a respiratory virus.  I have severe asthma, deadly food allergies, eczema, raynaud's disease, and I likely have some rheumatoid arthritis going on as well.  My immune system is a hot mess and not very good at it's job.  When I get sick I get completely wiped out.  I have been completely wiped out for two weeks.
     The good news is that I tested negative for COVID-19.  My doctor says that does not mean I never had it, that only means I am not actively emanating infectious virus particles that could sicken people.
     I was so sick of being sick and not being able to breathe, I caved and started taking prednisone for my asthma and a Z-Pack for my respiratory infection Sunday.  I am feeling a lot better but I'm still not even remotely back to normal.  I don't really have a normal because I am chronically ill.  I didn't want to take medicine.  I wanted my body to work normally and I wanted my immune system to do it's fucking job.  I feel like my body has failed me when I get very sick and I have to take medication.

  Let me gripe about my immune system, or my nickname for it, 'the hot mess express.'  My immune system will freak out and my skin will hurt and burn when I wear clothes washed with chemical fragrances.  But can my stupid ass immune system pull itself together to fight a secondary bacterial lung infection so I don't have to take antibiotics? Hell no!  I've been feeding it the right vitamins, supplements, and healing teas and herbs. I guess the point of my healthy lifestyle is that so far it has kept me from getting COVID-19 at Urgent Care or the hospital's emergency room.
   I've been plotting like crazy.  I've been dreaming up the next adventure I will go on.  I've been turning on my heater, getting into my cozy bed and looking at travel guidebooks and in my mind I've been visiting hot springs in nature.  When my body starts working properly again I will be unstoppable.  That's not true. That's a lie.  My body will never work properly.  That's not what it does.  When my body stops being so wheezy, infected, sick, and tired I am going to use it to enjoy my life.  I have a plan.
    I guess I am sort of grateful that I get sick a lot and I am chronically ill.  My illness reminds me that I am not a normal person and that when I am healthy, I am more active than most people.  I take vacations, I travel, I go to places, often by myself because I know that the brief respite from illness is only going to be brief.  I'm fully aware that the window of opportunity for adventure and travel will close momentarily.
   It is 4:40 PM on Wednesday March 25th.  I have written five paragraphs.  This is my sixth.  I am extremely tired and I am going to take a nap after this.  I ate once today, not much, but it was something. I am looking forward to roasting the cauliflower in my refrigerator.
  My friend's neighbor played in a small ukulele band, and that about a month ago they played a show in a nursing home for the residents.  It was really nice of them to play little guitars and sing to the people at the nursing home.  Well, last night I learned the entire band got sick with COVID-19, and two of the band members died.  They weren't even that old!  Mid-fifties!  They still got COVID-19 and they still died.  My friend's neighbors are recovering in complete quarantine isolation.  This virus is -really serious.  This virus does not care.
   There are lovely things and nice things that people are doing for each other and it warms my heart.  My friend Jay went to the pharmacy and picked up my asthma medications for me.  He left them on my porch and he even paid the copay.  He also left me some toilet paper and a bag of food.
     Two days ago I was brave and I gloved up and I walked to the grocery store at like 9:30 PM at night.  I also wore a mask. I didn't want to give my respiratory illness to other people, even though science tells me it wasn't COVID-19.
  Earlier today I got out my fish oil from the refrigerator and dropped it and then I cleaned up a mess of spilled lemon fish oil.  That was exciting.
     I really miss having a cat.  I miss the cuddles and I miss the love.  My sister called me complaining about her cat, how the cat always wants attention and won't let my sister meditate and interrupts her while she works from home.  I wish I had an emotionally and psychologically needy animal that wanted to devour all of my time and energy like my sister does.
    A few days ago I texted my brother and sister pictures I took of my feet.  I was bored and I wanted to annoy them, like any good older sister.  I'm sure they hate me and I'm also sure that my sister has now blocked me on her phone.  I encourage everybody to reach out and annoy their loved ones during this difficult time.
        Last week I had to give my final presentation for my Cultural Competency class.  It was my first final presentation given remotely using an app from my living room.  I love talking in front of large groups of people.  I was probably the only person in the class that was bummed not to have a live audience watching me. I used makeup to cover up the dark circles and puffiness under my eyes and I think it worked and my remote-presentation went very well.  Here is the test shot of my makeup before last week's final presentation:

     I am getting really tired.  I ate food, but I'm still wiped out.  I'm going to try for a nap today.  Everybody: hang in there!  I love you a lot!

Saturday, September 14, 2019

Palforzia, the New Peanut Allergy Therapy -More Harm than Good

     I subscribe to peanut allergy news on my Google feed.  Every morning at 11 AM, I get a message in my inbox about the latest peanut allergy news.  A lot of this news is stuff that I've experienced myself: discrimination, getting kicked off airplanes by a team of security guards, and I sadly force myself to read about people who have died so I can avoid a similar fate myself.  Reading about this stuff keeps me vigilant, it keeps me safe.
     I was thrilled to read about Palforzia, the new peanut allergy treatment and therapy for people with my terrible incurable disease.  I was actually in one of the initial trials, but was kicked out because my anaphylactic reaction was so severe that I needed to take oral steroids to stop my asthma in the days following my monster reaction.  The news:  Palforzia approved by the FDA.  Finally.  Something to ease the horror and anxiety of living with a crazy peanut-allergic immune system.
     Digging a little deeper, all is not well with this new therapy.  When I was participating in the trial, I had some of this experimental 'medication,' which is essentially just peanut protein.  My personal experience was that it made my immune system go fucking berserk.  I woke up itchy with deep red splotches the following day, and my asthma flared up so I had to take glucocorticoid steroid pills to breath and keep the skin inflammation down.  I was unable to work for a couple of days.  I was really fucked up.  I felt really fucked up.  Giving my immune system something that will induce self-destruct mode was not an easy therapy.  I was subsequently kicked out of the study for taking the steroids.
     I'm very glad that I tried to be in this study.  I chose to tackle my fear and anxiety by doing the thing the one thing I fear the most.  I literally chose to taste death.  My last words to my doctor before the delayed onset anaphylactic reaction started was: "My only regret is that I have but one life to lose to fight peanut allergy."  It is a powerful thing to want something so much that you are willing to die to get it.  I want a cure for peanut allergies and I am prepared to die in the battle to make this happen.
     A year later, I heard about another brave lady who participated in the study, but had to discontinue.  The reason, she developed eosinophilic esophagitis from the therapy.  That means her immune system is attacking her esophagus.  She will have a sore throat for the rest of her life.  That fucking sucks, and I pray for the good health of this courageous warrior every day.  I'm not sure a peanut allergy therapy with a side effect of developing another dangerous auto-immune disease is worth it.  It doesn't seem entirely safe.
     According to a new meta-analysis that was published in 'The Lancet', Palforzia could actually do more harm than good.  According to Chu et al., "peanut oral immunotherapy regimens considerably increase allergic and anaphylactic reactions over avoidance or placebo, despite effectively inducing desensitisation. Safer peanut allergy treatment approaches and rigorous randomised controlled trials that evaluate patient-important outcomes are needed" (Chu et al, 2019).  People who undergo this therapy have increased rates of anaphylactic reactions!
     Which makes sense, because I've tried the drug.  My immune system to freaked out and made me itchy and completely miserable.  I gobbled steroid pills like they were Tic-Tacs to extinguish the fire this drug started in my body.
     I think the idea of this drug is good.  I would have greatly reduced anxiety if I could be desensitized to peanut protein and I would be able to eat up to two whole peanuts.  Imagine how my life would change, I would be able to eat Thai, Vietnamese, and Chinese food restaurants!  Such deliciousness!  I would save money on groceries by being able to buy food from the bulk food section in the grocery store.  I could start living a more eco-friendly lifestyle because I would no longer need to buy things encased in plastic.  I could start a 'zero-waste' Instagram, and delight the world with my planet-friendly lifestyle.  I could be a green influencer.  I would no longer have to wash off packages of food before I open them.  Eating might be actually enjoyable instead of stressful.  That all sounds great to me, but at what cost?
     The truth is, while I am willing to die to destroy peanut allergy forever, I am not willing to take the risk of getting another auto-immune disease.  My body's alright fucked up.  I don't need yet another dread chronic illness to deal with.  My plate is full and my cup runneth over already in those departments.  The good scientific research available says that if I do choose to undergo this therapy my immune system will go bananas and I will be hospitalized more frequently for anaphylaxis.  Which was my personal experience with this drug.

     Sometimes I fantasize about awesome it would be to have a normal body, and be able to do normal things.  The concept of Palforzia onced seemed like a trail to hike to get to a more normal body. It's not, according to science.   I've decided against Palforzia, it is just too dangerous.  I really hate the hospital and I'm not keen to visit the emergency room more frequently than absolutely necessary.  I don't want to mess up my body more.
     I'll stay vigilant, and I will wait for a safer treatment for my deadly peanut allergy.

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Back on my Bullshit -Being More Creative

A few days ago, I fell off the wagon.  I fell into the Twitter hole.  I used Twitter to read the news.  I was in the Twitter hole for like a half hour.  I didn't feel very good after I did this.  I am really trying to stop.  However, I am torn.  I feel that in order to be a responsible citizen, I ought to read the news so I can be well informed. I re-installed it on my phone after someone I was interacting with in real life told me that they missed my humorous tweets.  I was awakened to the fact that Twitter is a happier, funnier place when I Tweet, at least for some people.  I did it for my fans, is what I am trying to say.  I will try to be mindful so I don't fall down any more holes.  I'm @demosure on Twitter, follow me and I'll follow you back!  

I am still off the Facebook mostly, that's going good.  Trying to use Facebook just to keep track of events going on and shows I can go to with my friends.  I may log on and put a link to this blog post later tonight.  I feel that this may be a helpful thing to put out to people on that platform.  I installed Facebook Messenger on my phone for communication purposes.  I feel that I am becoming a healthier social media user.  I feel better when I actively create and produce content, instead of mindlessly consuming it.  

I'm still using Instagram.  I fall down the Instagram hole for about an hour every other day.  I really like to look at pictures of interesting and pretty things!  A lot of it is cool, weird, creative stuff that my friends are doing.  I don't feel like I have a serious problem with Instagram.  Yet.  I sometimes find myself compelled to search for inspirational quotes on tranquil, awe-inspiring, nature-scapes.  I search out the cheesiest shit, and I love it, and I guess I'm owning it.  There.  Also, Instagram is probably the best way to share with the world pictures of my cute kitty-cat, Mr. Bruce.  Mr. Bruce is a transcendental being of light and love, my only roommate, and my spirit-animal teacher.  He's really, really old and he's not going to be around very long.  Why am I using my cat to rationalize my Instagram use if it's really okay?  Hmmm.  I will continue to monitor the situation.  


*photo was taken by Sayed Alamy 
https://www.guyeatsoctopus.com

I have been listening to music more and creating music more.  I am looking to start a band.  Seriously.  For real.  I took out an ad on Craigslist.  Here is the link, it's a real hoot, funny, yet it comes from a real, authentic place:
http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/muc/6163944705.html?lang=en&cc=us
So far no one has responded.  But who knows?  It's only been up for a day.

I bought an album using my Google play app today!  I bought Bird-Brains by tUnE-yArDs.  I love tUnE-yArDs.  I have a huge crush on  Merrill Garbus.  omfg. Love her.  So much.  <3

I installed Snapchat on my phone.  I feel so much more hip and edgy.  Just kidding!  Kind of!  I saw a list of Snapchat friends, and then I sort of freaked out when I saw this one person's name.  I went on two dates with them, before I realized they were a toxic person without empathy and not someone I wanted in my life.  It was a teaching moment when I looked up how to block & delete (Un- Snap?) this person from my list.  After I learned how to do this, I felt more confident and bold using this app.  I am still a novice.  I am still not very good at Snapchat.  I am trying.  

Things have been going really well.  I took a look at what I needed to improve on, and I have been taking action to address this a little bit every day.  Sometimes after a long day at work and I am feeling drained I will make excuses to myself not to do art or engage in my creative pursuits.  "I'm tired!"  "I need a night off!"  "I need to recharge and not pressure myself to create stuff!"  

I'm trying to get out of my own way so I can be myself better. 

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Positive Changes Starting Today

I am a creative person.  But lately, I've noticed that I have been in a rut.  I've not been creating.  Writing, music, writing music, drawing, doing all the things I do to create art.  I haven't been doing very much of that.

What have I been doing?  I have been wasting time on social media.  Twitter.  Facebook.  I have been liking temporary things that other people have been doing.  Reading articles other people have shared.  Lots of them have been interesting, and many of them have been helpful.  I've been liking and reacting to creative things other people have been doing, while neglecting that aspect in myself.

The first step of any recovery is admitting that one has a problem.  I have a problem.  I have been using social media via apps on my phone to escape.  Too much.  Last week, I uninstalled Facebook, and Facebook Messenger from my phone.  I will log onto Facebook from the internet every other day for about 15 minutes to keep current with events, interests, and my social media buddies.  This has been good.  I more mindful of my surroundings.  I am more connected to the people around me.

Today I took additional steps.  I uninstalled Twitter and Tinder from my phone.  The latter part of this week, I have noticed that I am checking Twitter for news.  After reading the news, I have been feeling very depressed.  I am a very sensitive person existing in an unfair and violent, but also inspiring and dramatic world.  I don't watch television.  Not being connected to outside news sources is an unfamiliar feeling.  It is also liberating.

So after some really wonderful friendship time, I arrived home to a different world than to the one I have been accustomed.  I didn't zone out on social media.  I picked up my apartment a bit.  I searched all over for materials for a sculpture that I started creating, but never finished.  It is painstaking work.  It isn't even a quarter complete.  I found the small wood stand that the finished work will be perched on.  I found the sculpture.  I could not find the glue that I was using.  I decided to buy a glue gun.  I gathered all of the components in a bag and I hung it over my creativity table.  The life of an artist is constantly exiting like this.

I am allowing myself to keep Instagram.  I'm not going completely Luddite!  I just shared a picture I took today of an unusual and bright double rainbow I saw in South Seattle.  I could keep a pretty picture like that to myself, but why?

Will these changes lead to increased artistic productivity?  I am writing this, obviously, so there's your answer.  I feel good about uninstalling the social media apps.

Change feels strange, but it is important to embrace doing things differently to grow as a person and artist.  I'm on it!  I'm planning to write another post in my peanut survival blog this week.  And I'm looking forward to buying a glue gun and finishing my sculpture.  this is who I am.  I am a creator.  It's time I create.


Sunday, February 21, 2016

Lifting the Fog of Depression - Week 1

Today I spent 40 minutes at the gym engaged in intense cardiovascular exercise.  I enjoy cardio at the gym.  I like the machines.  I like exercising on the machine.  It makes me feel in control.  I control the intensity of the workout.   I control how long I work out.  Using these options, I can control my own body.  The heart rate read out on the treadmill/bike/stair climber is usually what I look at the most.  I am in charge of my heart.  How fast can I make it beat?  I give my heart rate little breaks today by selecting the  Interval workout.  Pushed it to a max of 170, then gave it a break and it chilled out to a cool 154 beats a minute.   

It feels good to control my heart rate in this way, because I sure as fuck can’t seem to control my brain. 

I also engaged in strength training exercises:  lateral obliques, back, and squats.  Post workout:  I feel slightly better.  I still want to burst into tears.  This isn’t me who wants to cry.   This is the parasite of depression that lives in my brain.  Tomorrow I am meeting with my Psychotherapist to start getting this mess sorted out by a professional. 

This week I’ve had good moods and bad moods.  Happy moments and utterly sad moments of despair.  All moods experienced through the sunglasses of this depression.  What I have noticed that my brain is doing is I will get some sort of stimulus from the outside, such as an unreturned text from Bae, and I will feel heartbreakingly-crushing  feelings of anguish and rejection.  My depression is really good at writing horror stories to explain these feelings.   The old tapes of my dysfunctional subconscious get the gears of my thoughts turning like a horrible player piano.

I have thoughts, but I am not my thoughts.  I have feelings and emotions but I am not my feelings and emotions. 

My scientific-evidence based methods that I blogged about last week have been slightly successful in lifting the black fog slightly.  It still remains, and it frustrates me.  I know it’s there because I feel it.  It hurts.  I don’t want it there.   

In 2013 I took a spiritual meditation retreat at Sravasti Abbey, a Tibetan Buddhist Monastic community in Eastern Washington.  I had the privilege of hanging out and meditating with a bunch of Tibetan Buddhist nuns.  Some of these nuns had spent decades of 12 hour days in meditation. 
It was so refreshing and different to interact and talk to these monastics.  Their eyes sparkled.  They were smiling and I got this genuine vibe that their intention was to be as helpful as possible.   There was no back and forth weirdness energy of “Uhh, what does this person want…” from them.  They were peaceful.  They were present.  They were with it.  They were there.   These women were EFFERVESCENT BEINGS. 

These women are my ultimate role models right now.  Through perseverance, dedication, and joyous effort they are using the meditation practices of Tibetan Buddhism to change the structure of their brains.  Most of these women are Westerners like me.    If they can, I can! 

I am about to sit down for my evening mediation practice.  Going into battle with the depression in my brain.  I controlled my heart for 40 glorious minutes today.   Now it’s time for me to take charge of my brain.  I have power over my life.  I can make choices to change for the better.  

My mind is like a sponge.  The sponge is in a filthy, germy sink.  The nasty sink water is depression.  With meditation I intend to wring out the disgusting liquid of depression that makes my mind-sponge so dark and heavy.  I am going to transform that sponge into the sky.  Limitless.  Expansive.   Light.   Everything changes.   It is always the present moment.  Wish me luck.  Thank you for reading.  And if you have depression yourself, gentle reader, know this:  you are not alone.  And I love you. 


Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Battling this Depression Flare Up

Usually I get a text back and there is a friendly back and forth exchange.  It distracts me.  It makes me smile.  Two days ago that river dried up for about a day and so, without my comforting preoccupation, I was mindful of my thoughts and felt my feelings.  It was a terrifying gaze into the abyss.  I felt an energy field of hurt and pain around my body and through my mind then I realized the pitch blackness of depression had returned to permeate my consciousness.

I'd felt anxiety recently, sure.  I'd felt frustration, but I'd written them off.  I dismissed and minimized the increasingly frequent feelings. 'Just feelings.' I told myself.  'I am not going to be controlled by unpleasant feelings.  They will pass.'  I realize now that the Chuthulu tentacles of depression were slowly wrapping around my mind, waiting to pull me to the pit of pain at the bottom of the sea.  My denial had given it strength and it pulled me underneath the crashing waves of the sea of despair.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.  You are safer knowing your enemy better than your friend.  My enemy is depression and it lives inside my head.  I know it well enough to have kept it in remission since 2011.  And Monday, I realize it had returned.  

I have asthma.  Eczema.  A deadly peanut allergy.  My physical body has a whole bunch of massive auto-immune inflammation issues.  Inflammation and depression are closely linked.  People with asthma are more than twice as likely to be depressed than other people.  My asthma the past 3 months has been terrible.  My asthma has given me anxiety, sent me to Urgent Care twice, scared me, and really bummed me out.   For me at least, depression seems deeply correlated with my asthma.  The demon vines of depression seem to feed off the same processes that squeeze my lungs tight, causing me to struggle to breathe.  

Depression crushes my conscious experience through a lens of black horror and sadness.  Hurt feelings all the time about everything and nothing.  I almost burst into tears when a co-worker told me about Lady Gaga's tribute to David Bowie.  Can't even.  Deal.  Excused myself.  The tears came later that evening.  Ridiculous and full of pain.  

Yesterday was a small victory.  Forced myself to go out of the house and went out to dinner with the patient, kind man I am seeing.  Then we went to a group meet up and created art.  All my brain wanted to do was drink wine and sleep. I fought against the forces of depressed inertia and I was victorious.  I forced myself to be social.  I even called my friend who is really good at making me laugh.  I laughed.  I really connected with the guy I am seeing and enjoyed time with him.  I am grateful for these little candles of happiness that resist the forces of darkness. 

Despite a couple of wins, I am deeply ashamed about how I ordered a drink at the bar. (Okay another win, -only one drink) I feel I was really bad and wrong and should have talked more, been more interested in other people, facilitated more introductions, a feeling of appalling failure surrounds and permeates memories of the previous evening.  Of course these self-abusive, judgmental thoughts are liars, and I know this, and I continue to judge and hate myself anyway, and judge and hate the fact that I judge and hate myself.  Practicing mindfulness has been really helpful for me to observe exactly what my thoughts are up to when my brain is in the throes of depression.  

Today at work, I move slowly.  It is hard to focus in training class.  I don’t get a reply or the response I was hoping for and I fear for the worst, my brain writes a horror story and explains that this is the main reason for the hurt feelings that surrounds me.  My supervisor is displeased with how I’ve spent my time and I’m wounded, ashamed, and alarmed.  I thank her for her feedback and I act cheerful.  She’s got no idea how terrible I actually feel.  My smiling face gives no indication of the despair underneath.  I’m composed.  Every negative feeling feels amplified, and excruciating.  I feel shattered.  Deeply hurt.  I force myself to be nonchalant.  I smile.  I pretend.  Fake it till I make it, right?  How am I doing?  I’m fine, I tell people at work.  Today I am the world’s greatest actress.  I appear cool, able to handle anything, successful.  I feel I am doing okay at my job.   I work in mental health. 

At least the denial part of my illness is over.  Depression has set up housekeeping in my head.  It happened.  It is like this right now.  Will I succumb to the horror of inertia and pain?  Oh no.  Oh hell no.  Nope.  I am going to fight it.  

I am actively at war with my depression right now.  The battle started when I got home from work.  I made a super strong cup of St. John’s Wort tea.  Drinking it now.  It helps immensely.  Already feeling better.  Took 3000 milligrams of Niacin and am about to sit down to my evening meditation practice.   I took a lot of probiotics and I consumed over 2.5 grams of Omega-3 fatty acids this morning.  Took magnesium, vitamin D, and zinc supplements.  Writing this blog is helping too.  I reached out for help and am going to start Cognitive Behavioral Therapy soon.  I am planning to exercise.  I plan to go to the spa, take a sauna, sweat profusely, and then dunk my body in ice cold water for as long as I possibly can.  All of these methods are tools and weapons that I use to resist the depression in my head.  I will continue to force myself to go out and be social.  I will continue to create music, to write, and to create art.  I will challenge the lies my thoughts tell me to explain why I am experiencing these miserable feelings of shame and despair.  I have a medical condition.  It's a thing.  I struggle with the mental illness of depression.  I will fight this and I will win.   I have before and I will again.  I am resilient

Dear Depression/Anxiety,
I am going to beat you back into remission.  You are being evicted from my brain.  You are a poisonous plant that I am taking steps to uproot right now.  You are a stupid dumb bitch, and I will destroy you.  Goodbye.

P. S. I am channeling the intense feelings you are tormenting me with into creativity!  I have written lyrics and recorded an entire song, I am connecting with others by writing this blog, and I have been creating art.  Creativity is a light I will use to find my way out of your grasp.  This light shines in the darkness, and the darkness shall not overcome it.